A Dark Lonely Black
by Ledger.Lines
Summary: Sirius' first Christmas in Azkaban has him remembering last year and a conversation he had with Lily. Not a romantic pairing.


**AN: This is for round one of the Marauder's Challenge which was orchestrated by Bookwormlovesharrypotter. I hope you all like it! **

It was Christmas Eve in Azkaban. How could one Sirius Black tell you might ask? Well he'd been keeping track by way of scratching the walls since they had brought him in here. It was somewhat hard to tell which were his, but he managed to keep them separate from the tens of other makeshift calendars made by prisoners who'd probably done more wrong.

In spite of himself, Sirius began to hum a muggle Christmas tune he'd enjoyed singing around James and Lily. The ghost of his joyful voice singing to baby Harry exactly one year ago rang through his empty head, the notes floating through his head as if carried by the autumn breeze they'd once enjoyed.

One year ago to this day he had been with James and Lily. They had been enjoying a delicious dinner Lily had made while Harry refused his baby food, "Oh come now Harry, open up for mommy." As she desperately tried to get Harry to eat, Sirius had broken into "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus much to James' dismay. When Harry, ever so persistent, spat out his food onto Sirius, Lily just about lost it. "It's not that bad, it can't be that bad it's just mush!"

"Lils it's okay this stuff doesn't look too yummy. Does it Harry?" Upon hearing his name, the small boy's head turned and he grinned up at Sirius, "That's right Harry, this food is yucky. Let's get to the good stuff." He grabbed a jar of strawberry mush, Harry's favourite. "Okay Harry, open up the goal post for the quaffle!" He zoomed the spoon around as if it were a quidditch player and the green eyed baby's mouth opened wide, "He scores!" Sirius cheered and the little one clapped for his enthusiasm.

He continued feeding Harry as James and Lily cleared up the rest of the dishes, "Thanks Pads that's such a help." Sirius clapped his friend on the back, "Not a problem James. We've got to make sure Harry grows to be as strong as his father! He'll be the star of the quidditch team when he gets to Hogwarts." James laughed, Harry however let out a yawn.

"Oh Harry is it bedtime? You must be sleepy from crazy uncle Sirius." Lily looked to James, "Honey, can you take Harry to bed please?" Her husband nodded, "Of course Lils I'll be back in a flash."

Lily started wiping the table down, "Sirius how have you been? We've been talking about ourselves this whole evening I've scarcely heard you peep."

His smile was genuine as he took the cloth from her to keep cleaning, "I've been tired, what with all of the missions Dumbledore's got me running around on. I don't think I'll ever get a moments peace. But it's so worth it. Knowing that we're working to protect you James and Harry is all I need to know to keep working."

She nodded, her face was weary and her usually vibrant olive eyes were full of sorrow, "Sirius if anything happens to us you will take care of him won't you?" His gaze snapped to her. She wasn't the Lily he once knew, not anymore. The carefree nature she once possessed had been wrenched from her heart by the war and the joy her eyes once held had been dug out by the losses they had faced and those yet to come.

"Lily Potter nothing will happen to you or your family do you hear me?" He tried to remain calm but her thoughts mirrored those he had long ago locked away, burying them deep within himself so they couldn't distract him. "I will do and am doing everything I can to make sure that you are safe, we all are. The Order is protecting you, hell Albus Dumbledore is watching over you with those twinkling eyes of his. You're going to be okay."

Lily looked up at him, her eyes were books of unspoken words. They told him stories of her worries and her fear at her family being hurt. They showed him her gratitude at his words, but the uncertainty that even God himself couldn't shake away.

"I don't know what to do anymore. We can't just sit here! They won't let James do anything and he feels so useless. I have Harry to take care of but he's growing so restless. James is going to go mad with boredom and the feeling that he's useless."

Sirius shook his head, hair flopping from side to side in an effort to calm her nerves, "Lils if I know Prongs he's better off here making sure you're safe then he would be out there. Sure he might feel useless but if he were in the field he'd constantly be worried. I think in the end we'll find that he's better off with his family."

At the word family Lily lost it, crumpling like a discarded cloak she fell to the ground and her body shook with quiet sobs. Sirius bent and lifted her to an armchair in the family room. He set her down while she cried, her tears overflowing with words she was too scared to say. He sat and stroked her hair, hoping to communicate with his touch a feeling of calm to put her at ease.

"I'm sorry Sirius you didn't need to see that and least of all on Christmas Eve."

He shook his head, "Don't you worry about me. Christmas has never been all that sacred anyways. I just like the songs and the friendship."

She nodded and dried her eyes, "Thanks Sirius." He nodded.

Just then James came down looking a tad confused, "Harry was being sort of restless so I stayed to make sure he fell asleep. Is everything okay Lily?"

Lily looked from her loving husband to her best friend and nodded, "It will be, everything will be fine." In her eyes Sirius could see the worry and turmoil still brewing, but on the surface was shining blinding love for the world to see. "Merry Christmas Sirius, Merry Christmas James." The three of them pulled into a group hug reminiscent of the day they graduated Hogwarts.

"Merry Christmas indeed." Muttered Sirius fondly thinking back to the simple days of pranks and childhood. He found that his memories could keep him company and not even the thirstiest dementor could take away his memories.

What the thirstiest dementors could do however was to remind him of his loss, and that no matter how hard he remembered he couldn't bring James and Lily back. Once again Christmas was the worst part of Sirius Black's year and now it would keep that way.


End file.
